Flashcube

I never understood the need for sex manuals. I mean it’s not like I’m building a deck or anything. And besides, everything you thought you knew about sex pretty much goes out the window once you engage in the act with a new partner. It’s like a game but the rules keep on changing. People react differently to different stimuli because of different moods on different days. Any way you slice it you’re totally fucked, and not in the good way.

The act can be kind of like a ballroom dance with one partner leading and the other taking cues but instead of Mozart it’s usually R. Kelly. Slow, Quick-Quick. Slow, Quick-Quick. The funny thing is, turn the lights on and there isn’t anything sexy about sex. Now good conversation, that’s sexy. It’s all in the details.

I’ve never been so conflicted in my life. At the same time on opposing channels were both “The Saddest Music In The World” and “The Brady Bunch Movie“. Both are movies that I’ve been wanting to see for a long time but the deciding factor for me was Maria de Medeiros; a lady whom I’ve always thought beautiful. Isabella Rosellini is no slouch either. Plus I’ve always been a fan of 30′s expressionist silent film which visually “The Saddest Music…” borrows quite heavily from.

I was watching this Michigan state police video detailing the seven signs of terrorism and I couldn’t help but think that they bear a striking resemblance to the behavior elicited by me while falling head over heels in love. The 7 signs as per the video

Surveillance Also known as “checking out” and determining whether they’re a first class ticket or coach.
Elicitation Self-explanitory
Tests of Security How far is too far? How fast is too fast?
Aquiring Supplies Could be Blistex or other supplies.
Suspicious people who “don’t belong” Often times me after a night of heavy drinking.
Dry runs/Trial runs Goes hand-in-hand with Tests of Security but involves a mirror and a monologue.
Deploying assets or getting into position Yikes! “Deploying Assets” sounds like a euphemism for something nasty.

By the sounds of things I fit all the criteria and should thrown in the slammer as soon as fucking possible. But a love like this can’t be held behind bars for long.

UPDATE: So far a grand total of ZERO essays have been submitted for the contest. I think I may just keep the prize. Also, thanks for all the kind emails regarding the accident. I’m not dead, I just have a headache with explains the above post. The Valentines cards should have arrived by now. I hope they are up to snuff.

UPDATE UPDATE: Admittedly I edited this post after the fact in order to maintain an air of mystery about myself by replacing “her” or “she” with “them” or “their”. This should not be used of evidence of my sexuality (for the record: girl krazy!) but rather my attempt at remaining ambiguous on the internet. That was a failure on my part. Here are pictures of chincillas.

Yesterday’s brush with death got me thinking about some of the things I hope to accomplish before I pass into the great unknown. Thankfully these morbid thoughts should work themselves out of my system by the weekend in which case I’ll be back to my normal self. In the meantime however I’d like to share my list with you and hopefully you should be able to provide insight or even add a few points of your own in the comments. Here’s the list in no particular order.

Eric’s To Do Before I Die
1. Get Married.
2. Get Divorced.
3. Get Married Again.
4. Move to Kosrae.
5. Learn the piano.
6. Learn French and Japanese.
7. Be debt-free.
8. Find fulfilling job and be paid well for it.
9. Travel the world, meet new and interesting people, kiss them.
10. Own a Dodge Charger.
11. Be on the front page of a magazine.
12. Become important, have hangers on.
13. Run a marathon.

Of course I could make the list longer had I the time but this is what occurred to me at the time of writing. Comment or slander below.

Dalek are a fantastic trio out of New York that are doing more for the creative spirit of hip-hop than their blinged-out contemporaries. Consequently they’re bigger abroad than in U.S.

Dalek are dropping some otherworldly shit too because sonically they reside somewhere between My Bloody Valentine and Boogie Down Productions. I know it sounds implausible but it’s an accurate description. Check out “Ever Somber” off their latest album Absence to see what I mean.

Currently they’re touring the Eastern U.S. but will doing a Japanese tour in March. They have no plans to come to Calgary.

Someone please do me a favour and let me sleep in next Valentine’s Day because between getting dumped on the last one and getting into a near fatal car accident this morning, I figure that this day simply wasn’t made for me.

The good news is that I’m not hurt other than the pain across my chest from the seatbelt. The paramedics say that whiplash has a way of showing up later on so I’ll have to keep an eye out for that.

It happened like this: My father kindly offered me a ride to work this morning and while travelling down 12th street N.E. between McKnight and 32nd Avenue we got hit. A minivan travelling northbound swerved to avoid a car that was coming out of one of the driveways, lost control, and did a 270 into the southbound lane. The back of the van hit us and had I been in anything less solid than a Dodge truck I’d probably be writing this from the hospital. The photo above illustrates the damage. Both vehicles involved in the accident are a write off.

They say that the 2 or 3 seconds before impact are the longest seconds one can experience and I’d tend to agree. It was almost as if the world went completely quiet and slowed down. I could see the van spinning towards us, I knew there was nothing we could do to avoid it, and I just braced. By my estimation it hit us around 50km/hour.

So with that, here’s a link to a website featuring safe winter driving tips. I’m taking the rest of the night off.

I’m a bit scatterbrained at the moment so tonights post will consist of various things that happen to be on my mind right now.

Thought 1: The new Emma Bunton album isn’t as good as the reviews suggest. The arrangments are obviously Burt Bacharach influenced but the songs aren’t really good despite that. I liked her much better in that one episode of Absolutely Fabulous.

Thought 2: Do dead musicians win Grammys by default? Also, where did the last three and a half hours of my life go?

Thought 3: Why is the DVD for Liquid Sky so expensive?

Thought 4: Would people actually be willing to play basketball with me in the summer or will I be shooting hoops by myself?

Thought 5: Is it irrational to by scared of getting one’s hair done by a new person based upon the recommedation of the lady who used to cut my hair? Does the word “texturized” mean the same things to all stylists?

Thought 6: I’m quite looking forward to hearing the album that Yuki did with Kate Pierson of the B-52′s. Yuki’s new album comes out in Japan on the 23rd. I hope it doesn’t cost me $70 to import like that Tommy February6 album.

Thought 7: Spreading good will and sending out countless Valentines doesn’t change the fact that I’ll be spending it by myself. Also, how hard is it to learn how to play the mandolin?

Thougtht 8: I should really finish the lyrics to that songs I came up with on the ukelele which is far out of my singing range. I need a muse .and a paycheck. Love don’t come for free.

Thought 9: These are fantastic shirts! Life is better than anything I could possibly imagine.

I have absolutely no adversion to plastic surgery for myself as long as there’s general anesthetic involved. If I could afford it I would have already gone under the knife a few times already.

Certainly, I don’t want to recreate an episode of “The Swan” but I see nothing wrong with a little nip here, a tuck there. Why should self-improvement be exclusive to setting personal goals in life like climbing mountains and some new age spiritual quest? Yawn!

I don’t believe that my body issues are any more or less bothersome than the majority of peoples but I’m a “glass half full” kind of guy and see it as a “fixer-upper”. Besides, the post-surgery me would just be “me, but better”.

But moderation is tantamount and as much as I’m an advocate there is such a thing as bad taste and too damn much.

The worst offender of which is stunningly awful breast implant. I see absolutely no reason that a small, slight woman should have two grapefruits strapped to the front of her chest with her skin stretched over tighter than a snare drum. Theres a gallery of some truly awful implants here. I will warn you in advance that the site is explicite and not work-friendly.

A more work-friendly website which has absolutely nothing to do with the above is the virtual bubble wrap sent to me by DG. To me the incentive of popping the bubbles was invoked by the voice which sighed “Must have more!” every time I started a new sheet. Now that’s something to go under the knife for!

Illustrated legends from ancient Japan.

Otogi Zoshi are tales for adults and children enjoy alike. In the Muromachi Period and the Edo Period, people would have great fun thumbing through the pages by themselves or have someone read to them – there were many ways to enjoy the stories. The greatest pleasure of all though, must surely have been the beautiful painted color illustrations.

Gallery of Commustist era Russsion posters. Nice.

UPDATE: Okay, okay. I admit this post was kind of half-assed but I genuinely tired because of my lack of sleep combined with the workout after work this evening. Sometimes when I’m on that treadmill near the end of my allotted time and some rediculous incline and speed I think to myself, “Did cavemen ever worry about their body?” I suspect not which brings me to believe that we never should have decended from trees in the first place.

UPDATE UPDATE: The reaction to my offer of free Valentine’s Day cards has been pretty good but so for only one stranger has stepped up to the plate for and emailed me asking for a Valentine (and offered to trade no less).

Attention anonymous readers: I am not a stalker. There are not enough hours in the day for that nonsense plus I have much more fulfilling hobbies and by most accounts (my mom’s) I am a very nice, thoughtful person.